Absolutely Flabulous

Ok, I know that it took 9 months more or less to get here, so I should at least give myself that long to return to the body formerly known as mine. But can I just say that it's utterly depressing to be nearly 3 months postpartum and still not fit into all of my clothes, particularly the cute ones? Even the clothes that do fit, fit me in this new and weird way. My body has become this totally alien thing to me now. Not a pleasant feeling for something I have been with all my life.
I'm really not someone who likes to toot my own horn, but here I go anyway. I've never been what you'd call rail-thin, but I have been physically active and fit pretty much my entire life. There was a time not too long ago when I'd be mad at myself if the only exercise I got was a quick 3 mile run. I mean, that only took 25 minutes!! There was a time, ah, let's call it law school, when I'd run 3 miles, go to an hour-long aerobics class, and then do sit ups and push ups or lift weights for half an hour. (When did I study you say? those stories are for another blog.) Now I didn't look like Jane Fonda, pretty much all the calories I spent came right back at me in the form of pizza, cookies etc., but I never put on weight, or if I did, I could get it to come off with just a little extra effort. And it's not just about the way I look, exercise is, for me, the other side of the food coin, both make me feel really good and I need good food and quality workouts for my physical and mental health.
Flash forward to Feb. 2006, only a few months pregnant, still not gaining much weight, still really active, running, aerobics etc., and then I had to stop cold turkey. No more exercise until further notice. A few months later, all looks good, I got the ok to do light exercise again, and then in July- bed rest- oy! It wasn't super strict, I could get up to make my own meals, but when your body is used to some form of physical activity every day, even just walking to the Daley Center from the parking garage, and then you go to sitting on a couch or in bed every day for 2 months there are going to be some pretty horrible side effects. Namely, my sides have effectively expanded. I dropped 25 pounds in the first 2 weeks after Domi was born. If I had only gained 25-30 like I had planned I'd be a-ok. Unfortunately those last 2 months of veal-ification did not do this body good, and I still have about 12 extra pounds hanging around.
The first two months of Domi's life, I was trying to figure things out and get into a rhythm. Now that the boy and I have bonded and have our little routines, I've started thinking more about getting back to where I was before physically.
Those first few runs were really demoralizing. They didn't feel good. My legs felt like tree trunks, my knees were not used to the extra weight, and my lungs were on fire (I'll spare you the details of the gastrointestinal side effects felt later that night, but you can probably imagine). I mean the muscles in between my ribs hurt, what do they do, help you breath? I needed to get back in to breathing shape?
It was so sad. That once quick 3 miles took me 10 minutes longer than before, and not just that, I didn't feel good afterwards, I didn't want to exercise, that was the worst part! I exercise to feel better, to combat stress, not to feel horrible! I used to cherish my workout time and guard it jealously, now I have to force myself to go and make deals with myself to keep running (one more song, 5 more minutes, a walking break after this hill etc.) when I just want to stop! But I am as stubborn as I am lazy, and I'm not going to stop. Last night when Chris asked how my run went, I actually said it felt better and it was true. It's really not easy or fun at this point. Being sleep deprived, having my muscles atrophied and being heavier than I've ever been (while not pregnant), does not make exercise the most fun, but it's worth it. And Domi was definitely worth it.