A common dilemma

But that doesn't make it any easier.
Last night I took Domingo to my office Thanksgiving dinner party. It was really nice to see everyone as it's been a really long time since I've been out of the office as the whole bed rest/premature labor thing took me out of commission a whopping 2 months earlier than expected. Domingo was the star of course. I'm pretty used people saying "HEEYYY! How are you?" and not looking at me at all, just straight to the baby. It doesn't bother me, he's pretty darn cute. Everyone said Domi is gorgeous etc. etc. It's what I love to hear!
Anyway, I hate to be derivative but being there, with all the gang, and being repeatedly asked when I was coming back has put work and returning to it at the front of my mind, where I'd rather it not be. I would much rather not have to think about it at all. That is my usual m.o. when it comes to dealing with stressful things and decisions, out of mind, out of a problem right? Not very healthy or functional I know. So we have to think about it, talk about it, and plan it out. A much more practical way of dealing with the world.
I know this is a very touchy and personal subject and everyone is entitled to an opinion and everyone believes that their way is the right way. I'm not so sure. My sister said it best when she said that it's a no win situation. You go back to work for financial, intellectual, or whatever reason, and you do not get to spend your days with this ever-changing and amazing creature. You may miss some or many of those big firsts: first word, step, temper tantrum (well probably not that one). But most importantly, no one on earth can take care of your child the way that you can. Even if it's grandma, an aunt, or even dad, there is nothing like a mother. Of course the relationships with these people are crucial and hopefully very strong, but they are just different. But in our case it would be someone from outside the family, either day care or a nanny. There are sooo many issues to deal with there! I'm very uncomfortable putting tiny baby in a day care setting, and I'm also not too hot on having someone I don't know basically raising my children.
Or I could stay home. You get all those moments and firsts, raise your own kids, etc. etc., but staying home in my opinion is a much harder job. At work at least I know what I'm doing. I get positive feedback from my boss, my clients, my co-workers. I feel good about what I'm doing, I know that my talents and mind are being productive (being a poverty lawyer, I think I can safely say that those things are true, maybe not the case if I was another kind of lawyer, har har!).
At home I don't know what I'm doing. I have an idea, but let's face it a lot is going on by trial and error. There's no positive feedback from an infant. There are great moments like I said earlier, but Domi doesn't take me aside after a particularly satisfying meal and say, "you know mom, that was grade A stuff, good job!"
And then to look forward, say you stay home until the child is a little older, say 2 or 3, what if another one or two come along? When to go back? Will all my knowledge, and my little experience be completely obsolete? Or what if I never go back? What'll I do when the kids are in school? How can we pay the bills?

In my family the women all always worked. My grandmother worked, she loved her job and had to do it to support her family. My mom was the same way, she went back to work right away, luckily loves her job because she had to do it to support her family. Growing up I had those women as role models, so I figured naturally if I ever had children, of course I would work outside the house. The fact that I spent 3 long years in law school and have a mountain of school debt doesn't hurt that assumption either.

But after I left my parents' home, got married etc. I've met people who decided to stay at home. It's very attractive to me in theory. I don't want to only spend 3 of Domi's waking hours with him on the days I go to work (let's hope he starts sleeping better at night, or maybe I will spend more than that with him!). Especially now when he's just starting to "wake up" to the world and become more interactive. But on the other hand I really like my job, I like what I do, I like my supervisors, and all my office mates and would hate to lose that. And after talking to my boss, the situation will pretty much be how I wanted it: part time, the days that I wanted off, starting sooner than I had initially hoped (darn you bed rest!), but he'll be a solid 4 months old when I return. So that's where it stands. My first day back will be Jan. 8, 2007, I'll be working 4 days a week with every Friday off. We have to start in earnest looking for a nanny pretty soon.
OY! There are no easy answers here, but I know it's something that people all over have to deal with. I guess the most important thing is that I love my son. I love him so much and want to do what's best for him. Part of that includes doing what's best for me, and our family as a whole. So there'll be more thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, and complaining about it, mostly the last part, that's what I'm best at!